


Anything You Can Do

by chellerrific



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 10:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One man’s manly quest to spread manliness… manlily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything You Can Do

“Come on! It can’t hurt to ask, can it?” Tetsuzaemon pushed Izuru and Shuhei towards the door.

“If that’s the case, why are you making _us_ do it?” Shuhei asked, digging in his heels.

“Yes, it’s not the asking I object to so much as what’s bound to come after,” Izuru added.

“Look, I’m the president and I say you two have to do this for the good of the association! We can’t find anywhere on the Guard grounds to hold our meetings and Marechiyo’s dad already kicked us out of his place so that only leaves the Kuchiki estate! If he lets the women meet there his manly pride will force him to give us a place as well!”

“You say that but I can see several very large holes in your logic,” Izuru insisted.

“Yeah, like for one, ‘manly pride’?” Shuhei was incredulous.

“Come on; that guy’s got pride to spare. Surely some of it must be manly!” Tetsuzaemon put his shoulder into their backs and heaved.

“I can assure you _all_ of my pride is manly.”

Tetsuzaemon was so startled he let up on his shoving, causing Shuhei to fall right on his ass. “Captain Kuchiki!” all three gasped.

“As to your reason for being here, the answer is and always will be no.” Byakuya ended this pronouncement with the fullest stop any of them had ever heard.

“Yes, of course, thank you for your time, Captain,” said Izuru as he and Shuhei broke and ran for it.

"Heh heh,” said Tetsuzaemon, rubbing the back of his neck. “Nice… weather we’re…”

He gave up, turning and making a run for it himself.

* * *

“I call this emergency meeting of the Shinigami Men’s Association to order!” Tetsuzaemon declared. “This has gone beyond the point of ridiculousness. We have—”

Ichigo’s bedroom window slid open, drawing all attention immediately. Climbing through it was the entire Women’s Association.

“What are you doing here?” Nanao demanded.

Tetsuzaemon was on his feet instantly. “What do you mean, what are _we_ doing here? We’re having a meeting, so scram!”

“Excuse you, but we booked this room in advance for today,” Nanao said, holding up a chart.

“Impossible!” Yasochika jumped in. “I made sure to book it weeks ago and there was no note about the Women’s Association there at the time!” He grabbed the chart and everyone crowded around to read it over his shoulder. “See? Right… there…”

He trailed off when he saw that the first kanji had been drawn over so that it did indeed read “Shinigami Women’s Association.”

“Wait a minute!” Ichigo shouted, snatching the chart from Yasochika so fast he nearly tore it in two. “You guys have a _chart_ for who gets to use my room?” He looked it over. “Hell no I am not playing host to a sparring tournament for the Eleventh!”

* * *

“This is pathetic,” said Akon, trying to get a little bit of shade under the association’s minuscule booth.

“Yeah, nobody’s even _noticed_ us, never mind come to ask about us,” Marechiyo groused, crunching on his senbei mournfully. “Even the Calligraphy Club’s getting more interest than us.”

“That’s only because of Captain Kuchiki,” Yasochika insisted.

Tetsuzaemon ignored all of them, leaning out of the booth and shouting as loudly as he could possibly manage. “Free coupons good at Gin Tonbo!” He waved the coupons in the air enticingly. “Free Gin Tonbo coupon with every inquiry! You don’t even have to join, just stop by and ask about us, the Shinigami Men’s Association! It’s free money, ya pissants, what the hell is wrong with you!”

Shuhei and Izuru quickly grabbed him to keep him from lunging at any unfortunate passersby.

He shook them off. “Hey, Ogido! Get your attractive ass over here!”

Harunobu jumped to his feet immediately. “Yes, President Iba?”

“Put that pretty face to work and bring in some prospective members!”

“Um… how do I—?”

“Don’t care, just do it!”

“Yes, sir!” Harunobu ventured into the crowd, trying to get the attention of anybody who would listen, with little success.

“Excuse me, President,” said Yasochika. “What exactly do you expect that to accomplish?”

“Not a damn thing, but I don’t see you lot coming up with anything better.”

Suddenly loud music started playing from somewhere, drowning out all other sound. Tetsuzaemon pinpointed the source immediately: the stage the Women’s Association had set up in lieu of a booth.

“Welcome, everybody!” Nanao shouted into a microphone. “Regardless of whether or not you decide to join us, the Shinigami Women’s Association hopes to help make this membership fair fun and memorable for everyone! As a special treat, we’d like to present our version of a song that’s very popular in the Living World right now! If you like our performance, there will be a limited quantity of copies available for purchase afterwards! Thank you, and please enjoy the show!”

Tetsuzaemon stared, open-mouthed. He really hated that woman.

A redheaded figure dashed past him, but he was quick enough to grab a sleeve. “Hey! Renji! Where do you think _you’re_ going? You can’t join the Women’s Association anyway!”

Renji grinned. “So? Rangiku is dancing in a short skirt, and you heard the lady: ‘fun and memorable for _everyone_.’” He slipped out of Tetsuzaemon’s grasp and hurried on towards the stage.

Tetsuzaemon was so busy trying to think of what to yell after him he nearly missed Shuhei and Izuru slipping past to follow.

“Hey! You two! Get back here! _Traitors_!”

Izuru at least had the decency to glance back with a shrug, but it didn’t come off nearly as apologetic as he’d probably meant it to.

Tetsuzaemon turned and kicked his own booth, and the whole thing collapsed.

* * *

“So,” said Tetsuzaemon, leaning against the bathroom wall. “What are the results of this month’s membership drive?” He went down the line, pointing at each member in turn.

“Zero.”

“Also zero.”

“Not a one.”

“None.”

“One.”

Tetsuzaemon was so surprised he nearly missed what Jushiro had just said. “One? Really?”

“Well, yes, but Lieutenant Kusajishi took it back once I told her we usually don’t have snacks.”

Tetsuzaemon deflated. “Oh.” He sighed. “What’s the deal, men? Why can’t we bring in any new members? Just because we’ve got no budget and we meet in a bathroom…”

“Well, aside from those reasons you just listed…” Akon muttered.

“We need more high-profile members! That will draw more interest in general. I mean, look at us. We’ve only got _one_ captain, four lieutenants, two _third seats_ , and… whatever the hell Ogido is…”

“I’m an eighth seat, sir,” Harunobu supplied.

“ _Eighth_? For the love of…”

“We did talk to all the male captains and lieutenants who aren’t already members, President Iba,” Yasochika said, adjusting his sunglasses.

“Yeah? And?”

“Half of them are afraid of Lieutenant Ise, and all of them think this organization is the biggest joke in the Seireitei.”

“ _All_ of them?” Tetsuzaemon turned to Jushiro. “What about Captain Kyoraku? Can’t you convince him to join?”

“Ah, I believe he falls under both categories Vice President Iemura just mentioned,” Jushiro said, a bit sheepishly.

Tetsuzaemon tipped his head back against the wall. “Maybe I could spring for snacks and…”

There was a long pause.

“No, still better not, huh.”

Everyone else nodded.

* * *

“I hate to say I told you so, but, shouldn’t you have learned your lesson after last time?” Shuhei handed over another icepack.

Tetsuzaemon held it against the back of his head while Yasochika busied himself healing all major injuries. “Yeah, well, how the hell was I supposed to know _this_ ‘joint meeting’ with the Women’s Association would turn out to be a self-defense seminar on all the most sensitive places on a man’s body?”

* * *

Tetsuzaemon found them secreted away on a secluded dead-end street. The three of them had their heads bowed together and spoke in low voices.

“Aha!” he roared, pointing an accusatory finger as he revealed himself. “High treason! Just what are you two plotting with the enemy!”

Shuhei and Izuru both had the grace to look guilty, but Nanao was as haughty as ever. “This is a business transaction, nothing more.”

“‘Business transaction’ my ass! Just what sort of ‘business’ do you have with this woman, huh?”

Wordlessly, Nanao held up a small pink and purple book.

“It’s the photo book from the slumber party the Women’s Association had last month,” Izuru admitted. “We… bought copies.”

“Financial support for the enemy!”

“I’ll have you know that fifty percent of the proceeds from all sales of this book will be donated to the Academy for the purchase of new equipment for the students,” Nanao said. “The Women’s Association is invested in the betterment of _all_ shinigami. Tell me again, _President_ Iba, what is the stated goal of _your_ organization?”

Tetsuzaemon blinked. Izuru and Shuhei were also looking at him, waiting for his answer.

“The better… for all sh… what was the one you just said?”

“Right,” Nanao said. She nodded at Shuhei and Izuru. “The Women’s Association thanks you for your business. We sincerely hope there are no complaints with the merchandise, but if there are please submit them in writing.” With that, she flash stepped away.

Once she was gone, Tetsuzaemon let loose a flood of manly tears.

“There, there, President,” said Izuru, he and Shuhei each taking a shoulder to pat. “It’s not as bad as all that.”

“Come on, let’s go get a drink and… look at our new photo books.”

Izuru and Tetsuzaemon both shot Shuhei looks.

“But Rangiku!” He held the book open for them to see.

It was a pretty good argument, Tetsuzaemon had to admit. Reluctantly, he relented and allowed Shuhei to buy him a drink. Just to be fair, he let Izuru buy the second round.

Sometime during the fifth round he had the brilliant idea that the Men’s Association should have a drinking party, but when he brought it up at the next meeting, he was reminded they had no budget, certainly not one big enough to sustain a night of Rangiku’s and Shunsui’s drinking, and they found themselves as always back at square one.


End file.
